Thursday before

How is a person supposed to carry on with normal life with a surgery looming in the near future? I am getting worse today. Anxious. Nervous. I can't concentrate at work. Probably be better if I was at home. What would I do there? Look at my walls? I don't think anything would make it better. Well, maybe a trip to France for the weekend and a spa day the day before surgery. Now we're talking. But that's not going to happen. I'm looking forward to this weekend being around friends and family and then a group of friends are having dinner with me on Monday to keep me busy. Thanks girls.

Here it is:

The tumor is the white area. The black "void" is the area where the surgeons took out my first tumor all the way back in 2000. My brain never filled in the gap.

#5

Well, here I go again. Another surgery. It's been an emotional week. Last week Dr. M told me that he recommended Radiosurgery. A high dose of a medical procedure which allows non-invasive treatment of benign and malignant conditions. It's a high dose of radiation that would be applied to the new growth. It has many side effects - all that I was not shocked by. Seizures could intensify and there could be scar tissue that would cause problems itself. We went to see Dr. U on Tuesday and got all the information necessary to start the treatments. Wednesday a.m. I received a call from the surgeon's nurse requesting an appointment. WHAT? Ok my world was spinning. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I made my appointment for this morning and went to see Todd at work. I feel in a cloud. How is this happening again? Why is this happening to me again? Will it ever stop? DAMMIT!!!!

Today Todd and I went to see DR. E. He explained to me that surgery is the best option for the new growth. Surgery would allow a cleaner margin between brain and tumor than the Radiosurgery. Because of the area of the tumor it is less likely to cause problems. I have a tumor in a good area. That's the one thing I have going for me I guess. It's not moving to my brain stem or moving into the brain. BUT the damn thing keeps returning. I talked with Dr. M about future treatments. Whether they had discussed this in tumor board meeting. He said we have to wait for the pathology report to make that decision.

Surgery is tentatively set for October 14. I have a sinus infection I need to get rid of. Now I need to get referrals.

Not so good news

I had a MRI this morning and on the screen was my brain with some extras. There is visible growth again. I knew something was not right because of the seizures. The tumor is growing in the same area as it always has been so that is one good thing. It may be the only one. The docs are not sure what they will do next. There is a few different options that my neurologist talked about but he needs to speak with the whole team. They all need to get together and come up with a decision. My neurologist, oncologist and a doc from radiation will all decide on my future. More news to come Monday.

How are you they ask?

I am tearing up inside. I am scared. I want to run.

I went to another doc to see about the seizures. He switched my meds around and hopefully that will control them.

For now - trying to be positive. Trying.

Involuntary

It's a big word if you think about it. My company just sent out "voluntary separation" severance packages. I work in automotive and live in the Detroit area so it's not a big shock. Still this voluntary separation will be followed with involuntary separation.

These words are making me think about all the things I do in my life that I have choices and opportunities for. I've decided to become more voluntary in my life. I am finally going to talk to a college guidance counselor about getting back into college. I have had enough with the involuntary part of my life. I have started to also speak out at work more and people are listening. I deserve more money and those promotions. I had a meeting with the head of my department yesterday (yikes) and we talked for a bit about these issue. He said he was going to look into my past and find out what happening. Hope something positive comes out of it. TBD. Voluntary.

Bald

Ok so being bald does rock at times because:
A: you never have a bad hair day - just no hair days
B: it doesn't show when you have not showered
C: it feels nice when someone rubs your head
D:.. umm I'm sure there is more but I can't think of them

I'm 33!!

WOAH!! Another year! Whoo hooo. Getting my hair done soon. I LOVE L O V E haircuts. If you have ever been bald you can relate. It rocks....... the hair cut not the bald part ;)

Need to let it lie

Some friends and I were chatting about a fellow cancer patient and about getting sick with chemo. My one friend said - it seemed like you had a pretty easy time with it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Puking up to 8 times a day does not seem easy to me. Not eating or drinking for 3 days is not easy. Maybe if that friend would have been one to call me on those days she would remember these things. There were times when I slept for 20 hours straight. Only waking to vomit or use the bathroom. Are you seriously kidding me.

I've been mad

I've been pissed off more like it for a few weeks now. Mad at cancer.

Mad at it for getting into people who do not deserve to go through this journey. Mad because of what I have been through was relatively easy and mad at what I hear other people must go through with surgeries, treatments and transplants. I'm mad at the people who claim they will "smoke until they die" and never get cancer while an innocent person who has never smoked gets lung cancer and dies.

I went for a walk this morning at work and saw a woman smoking who had a heart attack less than 7 years ago. If anyone should realize, we humans are not invincible it is her. What is it going to take most of us to wake up and live a healthier lifestyle? Hopefully not a heart attack like the woman at work.

There is more I could be doing to be healthy anyone around me can tell you that if they have seen me devour anything chocolate or witness my love of Doritos. I am certainly not a role model. But I'm trying to stay alive and play the cards I have been dealt. I just get so pissed at the sight of it. Cancer. It's everywhere. So I guess I am just mad.

Phew

The "rogue" spot was indeed that. It was not in the latest MRI. Phew. MRI was Wednesday and the tumor board recommends continuing on as usual. Good. Yes.

I bought 5 Luminaries:
Aunt Sam
Mike
Mom
Barbara
me