Bald

Ok so being bald does rock at times because:
A: you never have a bad hair day - just no hair days
B: it doesn't show when you have not showered
C: it feels nice when someone rubs your head
D:.. umm I'm sure there is more but I can't think of them

I'm 33!!

WOAH!! Another year! Whoo hooo. Getting my hair done soon. I LOVE L O V E haircuts. If you have ever been bald you can relate. It rocks....... the hair cut not the bald part ;)

Need to let it lie

Some friends and I were chatting about a fellow cancer patient and about getting sick with chemo. My one friend said - it seemed like you had a pretty easy time with it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Puking up to 8 times a day does not seem easy to me. Not eating or drinking for 3 days is not easy. Maybe if that friend would have been one to call me on those days she would remember these things. There were times when I slept for 20 hours straight. Only waking to vomit or use the bathroom. Are you seriously kidding me.

I've been mad

I've been pissed off more like it for a few weeks now. Mad at cancer.

Mad at it for getting into people who do not deserve to go through this journey. Mad because of what I have been through was relatively easy and mad at what I hear other people must go through with surgeries, treatments and transplants. I'm mad at the people who claim they will "smoke until they die" and never get cancer while an innocent person who has never smoked gets lung cancer and dies.

I went for a walk this morning at work and saw a woman smoking who had a heart attack less than 7 years ago. If anyone should realize, we humans are not invincible it is her. What is it going to take most of us to wake up and live a healthier lifestyle? Hopefully not a heart attack like the woman at work.

There is more I could be doing to be healthy anyone around me can tell you that if they have seen me devour anything chocolate or witness my love of Doritos. I am certainly not a role model. But I'm trying to stay alive and play the cards I have been dealt. I just get so pissed at the sight of it. Cancer. It's everywhere. So I guess I am just mad.

Phew

The "rogue" spot was indeed that. It was not in the latest MRI. Phew. MRI was Wednesday and the tumor board recommends continuing on as usual. Good. Yes.

I bought 5 Luminaries:
Aunt Sam
Mike
Mom
Barbara
me

Would you?

Would you buy luminaries for yourself for a cancer walk? I always thought it would be a honor thing but who else would buy them if I don't??

PS - not doing the walk myself which makes me a ptuz. I'm in for next year - I SWEAR.

PSS - I just made myself feel like a bigger putz because I have never done a cancer walk for myself. Next year!

PSSS - Why hasn't anyone done this for ME?

Yet another anniversary

It has been 2 years since my last surgery! This is my second longest stint of being surgery free! Whoo hoooo!!

Made an ass out of myself

I went to the doc to discuss further options for the Depo shot. The doc explained to me several options that we could explore. One was to discontinue using all hormone therapy and do a route cause. I would have to be clear of the effects of the shot and that would be about 5 months. Holy shit! I started thinking about all the things I went through. Bleeding everywhere- constantly being worried about leaking through - anemic. For some reason the office was really hot , they must have had cooling issues, but all the sudden I got HOT and couldn't really understand what he was saying, and then couldn't see. So here I am in the doctors office with my head between my knees, the nurse bringing me water and some cool cloths to rub on me to cool me off. Yep, that's me going through an emotional attack.

Option we decided to go with is sticking with the shot until October which will be a year and using back up meds if the bleeding comes back. Sounds ok to me for now. I really don't want 5 months of hell and then to go through tons of testing. We'll see how it works out closer to October.

More and more

I'm still having seizure dammit! I emailed the doc today and they may change my dosage and or med again. These need o stop soon. I've had 2 today and had one yesterday, too. Not good.

Admit it

Ok, ok, ok I admit it. It bothers me that we can't have a baby. More and more often I think about it. I see my friends with kids ( and I think I am brilliant with them!) and I love them to death. Having one of our own is a choice that has been taken away from us. A biological child is not possible from me with all the chemicals I have in my blood on any given day. My friend had a baby today (congrats again!!) and I am so happy for her but I found myself crying on the way home because I know I will never know what that feels like.

Ouch.