April 27

It's been 8 years since my first surgery. Another reason to awe at myself? It's been a crazy long journey.

Another little victory for me.

I can't wait to celebrate 10 years of being a kick ass cancer survivor.

So much gone by

Geesh - I promised to myself that I would keep up this blog (diary) more often.

Although I would love to say that I am one free of cancer chick - that's just not the truth. Dr. M is changing my anti convulsant drug to Keppra. Hopefully this will control my episodes that I have been having. I am beyond idiotic while I am driving and still having seizures. That is the single most independent thing most of us do. I would have to rely on ochers to take me anywhere. Work, groceries. I would become a person of my own prison. That is one of my biggest fears as I journey through cancer land is giving up my independence. It's fun for me to get Todd to wait on me but it would not last long.

In 3.5 more hours I am leaving work to start my vacation! I'm off to Florida with my mom to see my Aunt, cousin and most important my 92 (next month) year old grandma. WOW! I hope to live until 92 and be as healthy as she is. Warm weather and good company. Hopefully it will get my mind off of things for a bit.

27 hours and counting

When will it stop?

Cancer is shit.

Two weeks ago I found out my father has a spot on the top of his head that he got biopsied and the pathology report came back with pre-cancerous cells! WHAT? He has some chemo cream that was prescribed to him and he says that it is going well. The side effects are not prominent.

Mom had breast cancer when I was 12 and she has been going strong ever since. She's a strong woman to get though that era of our lives. She had two young daughters, a husband that had to work so much that he could not support her (cancer) and the check book was still not reading full. She went to treatments alone, got chemo injected into her veins, was so sick from the chemo and stress. I am glad she came out the other side as well as she did (she wonders how I do it). She has not had a reoccurrence of the cancer and it has not metastasized into other areas of her body. Phew.

My Aunt died before her time of.. gosh, name any cancer.

Another friend is loosing her mom because of this shit.

I now find out that one of my very best friend's husband has lesions in his face. They still need to see the oncologist to determine the next steps. WTF?

Is this a sign of getting older and having "adult problems"? I don't want them.

Little update

MRI last week = good
Bleeding stopped = awesome
Florida in 18 days = hell yea!

I am feeling really good these days. My fatigue has subsided for now. Last week my body let me know it was time for a slow down. I came home from work and passed out at 6 until 8. Got up and brushed my teeth, etc and was back in (took a little white pill) and slept for 12 more hours. I woke up feeling amazing. I've been feeling pretty good since. hummm.... need to listen to the body more.

My doc upped my anti- convulsant meds because of the episodes that I have been having. They are still happening so I need to call and let him know. *writing that down* He was thinking about switching my meds anyway so hopefully the new one will control things better.

Thanks to this wonderful thing called the internet I think I have diagnosed my foot/ankle issue. My feet started hurting me about 1 year ago and I thought it was because of flip flops. Then my ankles started to hurt, too. That has been going on for quite some time, too. Went to the doc, physical therapy and got insoles. Still hurting. I was poking around on the internet and I think I have falling arches. So through my internet diagnosis I will be buying arch supports. HA! Take that doc!

More to worry about

The bleeding has not stopped. It's not as bad as it was a few months ago but when I am on the "shot" and another drug to make me stop bleeding it is a big deal. I called the nurse and told her what was STILL happening the doc called and wanted me to get a sonogram done on my uterus. I did that today. Everything is good. The doc at the clinic was funny. He went over the sonogram with me while it was being done and he did see some "debris" I asked him "blood clots?" He said yes, or cigarette butts, tires, bottle-caps, etc. Good that he has a since of humor. He didn't see anything that "impressed" him as he put it. So that is good, right? But it doesn't give me any closure to the bleeding issue. Next.....

I also have a MRI next Wednesday and treatment next Friday. I have not been sleeping well and had really weird dreams of tumors all over my body. Nice, eh?

Talk to you next Wednesday.

Close to home

We went to the movies last night and saw Bucket List. It is a really good movie! It is about two men that are dying and fill out a list of things they want to do before they "kick the bucket". The things they did were great! I can only hope to do some of those things that required the money needed. The cancers the men had metastasized to the brain and the men had to receive surgery and chemo. All of that was familiar but was not upsetting me. After the fun they had crossing things off the bucket list of course the men die. I was shedding tears because it was sad that they died. I hadn't really connected it with me and my journey through brain cancer. Todd offered his napkin to me but I already had mine. Then I saw him wiping his eyes. He was crying. That made me cry. He doesn't show his emotions to me about our situation very much. We sat in the theater for a while holding one another and I looked at him and we both smiled through our tears and he said "That's a little close to home".

Headaches

I have been getting headaches almost daily for about the last 2 weeks. I'm hoping that it is related to my nose issue and not my brain issue. Geesh. It sounds like I need an issues list to keep track of all my ills.

I go to the nose doc Friday (at 650AM! WTF?) to see about her correcting my deviated septum and if it will help the never ending infection. I may be getting a nose job! I always thought my nose wasn’t bad at all. I’m not sure if it will effect the outer appearance at all.

I will also have a MRI in the next week to keep track of the brain. I should name my tumor(s - that is if I have to deal with another one). "'Ben' is coming into town again for a short stay so I decided to take another month off to deal with it". Yea, maybe that's not funny.

Happy Valentines Day

St Valentine. Do you think he was romantic? I know it is a Hallmark holiday but I do want something from my sweetie.

Outburst

Well, we had our talk finally. I couldn't stand it anymore. We had gone up north again and I was sick of avoiding the issue. Sunday morning I broke down. I was so hurt I couldn't take it anymore. I told him about the things that really mattered to me. Things that we have put off in our marriage and life together. We have never done anything special to celebrate anniversaries of marriage, surgeries, etc. I even told him last year how important these days were for me and still... nothing. Then I got mad. Why does it take me to break down and cry and be so upset for him to know how serious I am? Is he really that off? Are we really that unconnected?

I am sick of doing the same routine every weekend. I need some new activities. I need to date my husband. I need to feel secure and taken care of. Don't ask me if I want to "do it". A woman needs some romance every once in a while.

We're trying. Marriage is work.

Good MRI

The MRI is stable! Whoo hoo! The Doc recommended that I continue with the current treatment. I agree. I talked to him about the episodes I have been having and we upped my dosage of the Lamictal. No episodes have occurred since.

When the doctor told me the good news I was on the table while the nurse was trying to access my port and the doc was talking to Todd and I. The good news is heard and he does NOTHING. A hug, kiss, a good job - nothing. My feelings were more than hurt. I distanced myself from him and I told him how I felt on our way up north. His response? "I would have if the nurse wasn't in the way". Bullshit. She did leave the room and there was still nothing. I feel defeated. This is the person I am spending the rest of my life with. We should be in tune with one another's feeling and needs by now.

The weekend was busy up north and we really didn't have time to talk about things. He asked me what was wrong a few times and I just kept saying the same thing that was wrong Friday. He doesn't get it. I am not accepting that this is a 'man thing'. My friends and family were happier for me and showed more emotion.

As the week went on and my wounds scabbed over and became itchy I decided to order myself flowers. No one in my house does it so why not? I ordered a beautiful bouquet of white daises, red roses and purple accents. It was a replication of the bouquet Todd gave me at the beginning of our relationship. I walked in the house with a big bundle tucked in the crook of my arm and he greeted me at the door. I told him I ordered flowers for myself. His reply, "I was going to do that for you tonight". BULLSHIT.

I am so tired of the was going to, should haves, would haves, and I didn't know if you would like it so I didn't.