Outburst

Well, we had our talk finally. I couldn't stand it anymore. We had gone up north again and I was sick of avoiding the issue. Sunday morning I broke down. I was so hurt I couldn't take it anymore. I told him about the things that really mattered to me. Things that we have put off in our marriage and life together. We have never done anything special to celebrate anniversaries of marriage, surgeries, etc. I even told him last year how important these days were for me and still... nothing. Then I got mad. Why does it take me to break down and cry and be so upset for him to know how serious I am? Is he really that off? Are we really that unconnected?

I am sick of doing the same routine every weekend. I need some new activities. I need to date my husband. I need to feel secure and taken care of. Don't ask me if I want to "do it". A woman needs some romance every once in a while.

We're trying. Marriage is work.

Good MRI

The MRI is stable! Whoo hoo! The Doc recommended that I continue with the current treatment. I agree. I talked to him about the episodes I have been having and we upped my dosage of the Lamictal. No episodes have occurred since.

When the doctor told me the good news I was on the table while the nurse was trying to access my port and the doc was talking to Todd and I. The good news is heard and he does NOTHING. A hug, kiss, a good job - nothing. My feelings were more than hurt. I distanced myself from him and I told him how I felt on our way up north. His response? "I would have if the nurse wasn't in the way". Bullshit. She did leave the room and there was still nothing. I feel defeated. This is the person I am spending the rest of my life with. We should be in tune with one another's feeling and needs by now.

The weekend was busy up north and we really didn't have time to talk about things. He asked me what was wrong a few times and I just kept saying the same thing that was wrong Friday. He doesn't get it. I am not accepting that this is a 'man thing'. My friends and family were happier for me and showed more emotion.

As the week went on and my wounds scabbed over and became itchy I decided to order myself flowers. No one in my house does it so why not? I ordered a beautiful bouquet of white daises, red roses and purple accents. It was a replication of the bouquet Todd gave me at the beginning of our relationship. I walked in the house with a big bundle tucked in the crook of my arm and he greeted me at the door. I told him I ordered flowers for myself. His reply, "I was going to do that for you tonight". BULLSHIT.

I am so tired of the was going to, should haves, would haves, and I didn't know if you would like it so I didn't.

A good weekend

We went to the Detroit Science Center Saturday with my niece and nephew. K and S went with us, too. I think they really enjoyed it. We did. I loved spending time with them and Todd. Doing something outside of the house. Will defanitly go back soon. Then we went to my sisters house for dinner and fun. Apparently I had a little too much to drink. They said I was sluring! I still don't believe them!

The weekend was really nice up until the time I had an episode. I had one in the morning and one in the afternoon while I was downstais. I grabbed a mirror and watched it. The corners of my mouth started quivering then my tounge started pulsing then my jaw started to open and close the slighest bit. My hand goes a little numb and then my fingers. All on the left side. All are the slighest movements.

I'm freaking out. I have a MRI this week. I see the oncologist Friday.

I also started bleeding again. I know it is common with the Depo shot to have break-through bleeding but this is more. It was so nice not to worry abou this for 2 months now. I get my shot next week so hopefully things will be back to normal.

It will be a long week.

No wonder I am tired all the time. I have a lot to think about and probably do it all while I sleep,

Happy Holidays

Christmas and the New Year have passed us now. I'm happy they are over but I miss my husband and was not ready to go back to our normal schedules. We had a great time hanging out and just being lazy. We went up north to my in-laws house and spent some time there so he could do his snowmobiling. The trip was low key - my niece and nephew were not there to play with and I got sick the day we arrived.

I did get a chance to visit with a dear friend. We had a bottle of cheap wine and good conversation - what more do you need?

I waved goodbye to the time off and drove in carefully on the slippery roads (I'm not ready for that stuff yet) yesterday morning. Came into work and discovered everything as I left it. All except for my plant. Oops. Gave it some water but I may need a prayer for it to revive.

It's back to normal life and back to cancer. Treatments resume tomorrow.

I hope everyone had a relaxing break and look forward to a fresh start as 2008 begins.

Snow storm

Do NOT tell my neurologist but I totally went snowmobiling yesterday. We couldn't help it! There is almost a foot of snow out there. It was so much fun. We cleared the drive and then Todd got out the Yamaha and away we went. We were probably gone for 1.5 hours or so. FUN!

Premenopasual positive

Well, test confirm. Premenopausal. Thing is we all are. From the time we start menstruating until we go menopausal. So the hormone test meant nothing. There are some elevated levels but those can very during cycles. Since I have no idea when my cycles are the numbers don't really mean a thing. The nurse is sending me the lab results so I can look things up myself. Easier than writing it all down while hearing it over the phone.

Thanksgiving reminds us what we are thankful for.

I hope you find many more days to reflect back on what you are thankful for. Please don't wait once a year! I don't need a reminder for what I am thankful for. I am thankful every day that I am on the earth. I don’t need to be reminded that I am a cancer survivor that has had 4 surgeries to remove growth of tumors in my brain. I have lived as a cancer survivor for nearly eight years now. I am able live a somewhat normal life. I have lived through four surgeries, almost 4 years total of chemotherapy, six weeks of radiation, countless MRIs, doctor visits, tears, and eight years of fear and worries. I try not to focus on the “what’s next” and live in the now but it is always on my mind.

I am thankful for my friends and family that support me in my journey. I am thankful that I am still treated like an individual and not have my name be hyphenated with "Brain Tumor" at every turn.

As the holidays come near it is stressful for all of us. Take a step back and think about what you can do to be thankful for. You can make your health better, relationships stronger, grow your inner spirit, broaden your mind without the use of the TV, and most important LIVE. Life has so much to offer. Watching it pass is boring. Make something out of it.

Another success

I had another MRI on Thursday evening. I didn't' t get a chance to talk with Dr. M about it but I was seeing Dr. A Friday so it was cool. Dr. R called Friday morning and said all was stable!!! YES!! We will continue with another MRI in 6 weeks.

Friday was a good day. I started out waking up at 8 am, going to yoga, coming home and having a small breakfast then Todd and I got ready and went to lunch at Chili's. If I could start every day like that! Then we had to go downtown to the clinic to see the doc and get my treatment. My blood pressure is good, hemoglobin is a little low and I have some protein in my urine (the Avastin can cause this). We chatted with Dr. A for some time. I told him about the night sweats, the nose, the tiredness, on going bleeding, bloody nose. I asked him to do a hormone test on me to see if I am menopausal. I'll call on Monday to get the results. YIKES!

We came home last night and I was sleepy so we just laid on the couch and veged.

Todd is taking me on a date tonight. Dinner and a movie. Whoo hooooo!!!

Stuffy nose issue

I have had "allergies" since February. I have been to the doctor several times for it and have been given nose sprays that don't really help. I have so much mucous that I go through a box or so of tissue a week. Bloody noses all the time and other gross issues. I finally went to the Allergist last week and got the allergy scratch test. I'm not allergic to anything. He suggested more nose spray. I fought back saying that they don't help and lead to bloody nose. He convinced me to try a sample for two weeks. I gave in.

The negative allergy test had me very plagued at what could be causing the mucus issue so I started looking up things on the (sweet sweet) Internet. I found several people with the same issue that are taking the same drugs I am for my tumor. Huh.. WTF? The doctors didn't put this together? I am going to have to talk to My oncologist about it Friday and see what he has to say.

More to worry about

The pills, shot and now more pills are not helping the bleeding thing.