I've been mad

I've been pissed off more like it for a few weeks now. Mad at cancer.

Mad at it for getting into people who do not deserve to go through this journey. Mad because of what I have been through was relatively easy and mad at what I hear other people must go through with surgeries, treatments and transplants. I'm mad at the people who claim they will "smoke until they die" and never get cancer while an innocent person who has never smoked gets lung cancer and dies.

I went for a walk this morning at work and saw a woman smoking who had a heart attack less than 7 years ago. If anyone should realize, we humans are not invincible it is her. What is it going to take most of us to wake up and live a healthier lifestyle? Hopefully not a heart attack like the woman at work.

There is more I could be doing to be healthy anyone around me can tell you that if they have seen me devour anything chocolate or witness my love of Doritos. I am certainly not a role model. But I'm trying to stay alive and play the cards I have been dealt. I just get so pissed at the sight of it. Cancer. It's everywhere. So I guess I am just mad.

Phew

The "rogue" spot was indeed that. It was not in the latest MRI. Phew. MRI was Wednesday and the tumor board recommends continuing on as usual. Good. Yes.

I bought 5 Luminaries:
Aunt Sam
Mike
Mom
Barbara
me

Would you?

Would you buy luminaries for yourself for a cancer walk? I always thought it would be a honor thing but who else would buy them if I don't??

PS - not doing the walk myself which makes me a ptuz. I'm in for next year - I SWEAR.

PSS - I just made myself feel like a bigger putz because I have never done a cancer walk for myself. Next year!

PSSS - Why hasn't anyone done this for ME?

Yet another anniversary

It has been 2 years since my last surgery! This is my second longest stint of being surgery free! Whoo hoooo!!

Made an ass out of myself

I went to the doc to discuss further options for the Depo shot. The doc explained to me several options that we could explore. One was to discontinue using all hormone therapy and do a route cause. I would have to be clear of the effects of the shot and that would be about 5 months. Holy shit! I started thinking about all the things I went through. Bleeding everywhere- constantly being worried about leaking through - anemic. For some reason the office was really hot , they must have had cooling issues, but all the sudden I got HOT and couldn't really understand what he was saying, and then couldn't see. So here I am in the doctors office with my head between my knees, the nurse bringing me water and some cool cloths to rub on me to cool me off. Yep, that's me going through an emotional attack.

Option we decided to go with is sticking with the shot until October which will be a year and using back up meds if the bleeding comes back. Sounds ok to me for now. I really don't want 5 months of hell and then to go through tons of testing. We'll see how it works out closer to October.

More and more

I'm still having seizure dammit! I emailed the doc today and they may change my dosage and or med again. These need o stop soon. I've had 2 today and had one yesterday, too. Not good.

Admit it

Ok, ok, ok I admit it. It bothers me that we can't have a baby. More and more often I think about it. I see my friends with kids ( and I think I am brilliant with them!) and I love them to death. Having one of our own is a choice that has been taken away from us. A biological child is not possible from me with all the chemicals I have in my blood on any given day. My friend had a baby today (congrats again!!) and I am so happy for her but I found myself crying on the way home because I know I will never know what that feels like.

Ouch.

Good Job

The MRI was ok. A little o and a little k. There is some rogue spot showing up in the center of the brain where my 3 lobes meet. Cause for concern but not panic. No changes in treatment schedules.

I am now on Tegertol to control my seizures. I am still having small episodes here and there so we may switch drugs again. My body needs to even out on this one first before we make any moves.

Feeling much better and am back to my positive self.

Down day

It’s coming up on time for a head check again. Wednesday I have a MRI and I will talk to Dr. M. about this crazy drug he switched me to. I still feel out of my damn mind. I’m trying to concentrate at work and can barely focus on the numbers on the drawing print in from of me. Typing is a chore. As always - thanks to the Microsoft gods for spell-check.

Today I am slipping into the place I hate to go every few months. The worry about the MRI – meds- my uncertain future. My time for a slap of reality – I am a Cancer Survivor.

Is Keppra the best for me because I feel like a crack head?
Is the Avastin still working?
Bleeding again
I’m still having episodes – is number five on the rise?

It’s going to be a rough next couple of days and all I really want to do is get in my bed and get a good hearty amount of sleep. Hide.

Still buzzing along

I did make it to work today despite still being the slightest bit out of my mind. Either the effects are getting better or I am learning to live with them. Driving this morning was a trip.

Talked to the doc yesterday and he told me to cut the pills in half for a week and work my way up to the full dosage. Phew!

I have a MRI next week on Wednesday.