Little update

MRI last week = good
Bleeding stopped = awesome
Florida in 18 days = hell yea!

I am feeling really good these days. My fatigue has subsided for now. Last week my body let me know it was time for a slow down. I came home from work and passed out at 6 until 8. Got up and brushed my teeth, etc and was back in (took a little white pill) and slept for 12 more hours. I woke up feeling amazing. I've been feeling pretty good since. hummm.... need to listen to the body more.

My doc upped my anti- convulsant meds because of the episodes that I have been having. They are still happening so I need to call and let him know. *writing that down* He was thinking about switching my meds anyway so hopefully the new one will control things better.

Thanks to this wonderful thing called the internet I think I have diagnosed my foot/ankle issue. My feet started hurting me about 1 year ago and I thought it was because of flip flops. Then my ankles started to hurt, too. That has been going on for quite some time, too. Went to the doc, physical therapy and got insoles. Still hurting. I was poking around on the internet and I think I have falling arches. So through my internet diagnosis I will be buying arch supports. HA! Take that doc!

More to worry about

The bleeding has not stopped. It's not as bad as it was a few months ago but when I am on the "shot" and another drug to make me stop bleeding it is a big deal. I called the nurse and told her what was STILL happening the doc called and wanted me to get a sonogram done on my uterus. I did that today. Everything is good. The doc at the clinic was funny. He went over the sonogram with me while it was being done and he did see some "debris" I asked him "blood clots?" He said yes, or cigarette butts, tires, bottle-caps, etc. Good that he has a since of humor. He didn't see anything that "impressed" him as he put it. So that is good, right? But it doesn't give me any closure to the bleeding issue. Next.....

I also have a MRI next Wednesday and treatment next Friday. I have not been sleeping well and had really weird dreams of tumors all over my body. Nice, eh?

Talk to you next Wednesday.

Close to home

We went to the movies last night and saw Bucket List. It is a really good movie! It is about two men that are dying and fill out a list of things they want to do before they "kick the bucket". The things they did were great! I can only hope to do some of those things that required the money needed. The cancers the men had metastasized to the brain and the men had to receive surgery and chemo. All of that was familiar but was not upsetting me. After the fun they had crossing things off the bucket list of course the men die. I was shedding tears because it was sad that they died. I hadn't really connected it with me and my journey through brain cancer. Todd offered his napkin to me but I already had mine. Then I saw him wiping his eyes. He was crying. That made me cry. He doesn't show his emotions to me about our situation very much. We sat in the theater for a while holding one another and I looked at him and we both smiled through our tears and he said "That's a little close to home".

Headaches

I have been getting headaches almost daily for about the last 2 weeks. I'm hoping that it is related to my nose issue and not my brain issue. Geesh. It sounds like I need an issues list to keep track of all my ills.

I go to the nose doc Friday (at 650AM! WTF?) to see about her correcting my deviated septum and if it will help the never ending infection. I may be getting a nose job! I always thought my nose wasn’t bad at all. I’m not sure if it will effect the outer appearance at all.

I will also have a MRI in the next week to keep track of the brain. I should name my tumor(s - that is if I have to deal with another one). "'Ben' is coming into town again for a short stay so I decided to take another month off to deal with it". Yea, maybe that's not funny.

Happy Valentines Day

St Valentine. Do you think he was romantic? I know it is a Hallmark holiday but I do want something from my sweetie.

Outburst

Well, we had our talk finally. I couldn't stand it anymore. We had gone up north again and I was sick of avoiding the issue. Sunday morning I broke down. I was so hurt I couldn't take it anymore. I told him about the things that really mattered to me. Things that we have put off in our marriage and life together. We have never done anything special to celebrate anniversaries of marriage, surgeries, etc. I even told him last year how important these days were for me and still... nothing. Then I got mad. Why does it take me to break down and cry and be so upset for him to know how serious I am? Is he really that off? Are we really that unconnected?

I am sick of doing the same routine every weekend. I need some new activities. I need to date my husband. I need to feel secure and taken care of. Don't ask me if I want to "do it". A woman needs some romance every once in a while.

We're trying. Marriage is work.

Good MRI

The MRI is stable! Whoo hoo! The Doc recommended that I continue with the current treatment. I agree. I talked to him about the episodes I have been having and we upped my dosage of the Lamictal. No episodes have occurred since.

When the doctor told me the good news I was on the table while the nurse was trying to access my port and the doc was talking to Todd and I. The good news is heard and he does NOTHING. A hug, kiss, a good job - nothing. My feelings were more than hurt. I distanced myself from him and I told him how I felt on our way up north. His response? "I would have if the nurse wasn't in the way". Bullshit. She did leave the room and there was still nothing. I feel defeated. This is the person I am spending the rest of my life with. We should be in tune with one another's feeling and needs by now.

The weekend was busy up north and we really didn't have time to talk about things. He asked me what was wrong a few times and I just kept saying the same thing that was wrong Friday. He doesn't get it. I am not accepting that this is a 'man thing'. My friends and family were happier for me and showed more emotion.

As the week went on and my wounds scabbed over and became itchy I decided to order myself flowers. No one in my house does it so why not? I ordered a beautiful bouquet of white daises, red roses and purple accents. It was a replication of the bouquet Todd gave me at the beginning of our relationship. I walked in the house with a big bundle tucked in the crook of my arm and he greeted me at the door. I told him I ordered flowers for myself. His reply, "I was going to do that for you tonight". BULLSHIT.

I am so tired of the was going to, should haves, would haves, and I didn't know if you would like it so I didn't.

A good weekend

We went to the Detroit Science Center Saturday with my niece and nephew. K and S went with us, too. I think they really enjoyed it. We did. I loved spending time with them and Todd. Doing something outside of the house. Will defanitly go back soon. Then we went to my sisters house for dinner and fun. Apparently I had a little too much to drink. They said I was sluring! I still don't believe them!

The weekend was really nice up until the time I had an episode. I had one in the morning and one in the afternoon while I was downstais. I grabbed a mirror and watched it. The corners of my mouth started quivering then my tounge started pulsing then my jaw started to open and close the slighest bit. My hand goes a little numb and then my fingers. All on the left side. All are the slighest movements.

I'm freaking out. I have a MRI this week. I see the oncologist Friday.

I also started bleeding again. I know it is common with the Depo shot to have break-through bleeding but this is more. It was so nice not to worry abou this for 2 months now. I get my shot next week so hopefully things will be back to normal.

It will be a long week.

No wonder I am tired all the time. I have a lot to think about and probably do it all while I sleep,

Happy Holidays

Christmas and the New Year have passed us now. I'm happy they are over but I miss my husband and was not ready to go back to our normal schedules. We had a great time hanging out and just being lazy. We went up north to my in-laws house and spent some time there so he could do his snowmobiling. The trip was low key - my niece and nephew were not there to play with and I got sick the day we arrived.

I did get a chance to visit with a dear friend. We had a bottle of cheap wine and good conversation - what more do you need?

I waved goodbye to the time off and drove in carefully on the slippery roads (I'm not ready for that stuff yet) yesterday morning. Came into work and discovered everything as I left it. All except for my plant. Oops. Gave it some water but I may need a prayer for it to revive.

It's back to normal life and back to cancer. Treatments resume tomorrow.

I hope everyone had a relaxing break and look forward to a fresh start as 2008 begins.

Snow storm

Do NOT tell my neurologist but I totally went snowmobiling yesterday. We couldn't help it! There is almost a foot of snow out there. It was so much fun. We cleared the drive and then Todd got out the Yamaha and away we went. We were probably gone for 1.5 hours or so. FUN!